Lasith Malinga looked around and spotted Bhajji by the pool side eating vada paav and washing it with some fruity looking drink. “ Panha.” He explained. “ Made from raw mango. Very popular with the Maharashtrians.” Malinga was impressed. This is a really great country. Unlike Srilanka, they assimilate the other cultures so beautifully. But still he decided to probe deeper.
“ But I thought its time for a patiala peg.”
Bhajji lowered his voice. “ We are in Mumbai. Can you see all those pesky photographers. Let them click and go. Then we can go inside and eat chicken tikkas with some scotch.” Malinga was nonplussed. “ Why do you eat this if you don’t like?”
“ MNS. Raj Thakeray.” Malinga stared at him dumbly. “ Look. I am out of the national team and this is my only source of income. Can’t risk rubbing this guy the wrong way.”
Malinga looked at him suspiciously. ‘ et tu Brutus?” “ No. No. just a figure of speech.”
Malinga thought for a moment. So many questions and no Guru. He had another doubt. “ Why do they call it Mumbai team? There are no Mumbaikars. All are foreigners.” Bhajji shrugged his shoulder. “ We really don’t care. It’s a national culture. Don’t you follow politics? Our government looks Indian but look who actually controls.” Malinga was impressed. “ Wow. You are brilliant. You should join politics.” “ Well I tried. I met Madam Sonia Gandhi and Advani ji. Normally they contradict each other. But this one time they both spoke the same language. Both were tired of that one Sardar in their party and didn’t have the energy to handle another one. Advaniji went one step further and explained that the only reason he didn’t give permission to Navjot Sidhu to go to Bigg Boss was because they promised him that Sidhu would come out after one month. He thought he would be in forever.” Malinga wasn’t interested. He really came to chalk out strategy for the final against RCB. Bhajji’s eyes were focused. “ We will win the cup for sure. I have to teach someone a lesson.” Malinga surely understood. Now they were on the same page. “ Yes Yes . The selectors must be taught a lesson. How dare they drop you.” “ No not them. Who is interested in representing the National team. Haven’t you seen Gauti and Sehwag. It’s Mukesh Ambani.” Now Malinga was totally lost. What had Mukesh to do with it?
Bhajji Explained. “ You know why we lost the finals last time. Mukesh Ambani bribed our team to lose.” Malinga couldn’t believe his ears. Why would he do that. Now Bhajji was irritated. “ Don’t you watch the TV. Remember after the semi finals I had lifted Nita Ambani. Mukesh was plain jealous. He didn’t want a repetition. But this time I am determined. He is busy with many law suits. He watches more of Court proceedings than cricket. ” Malinga had another doubt. “ Don’t you think we will become unpopular with some Indians if we defeat their team.” Bhajji assured him that Indians were like oranges. We look one but remove the skin and we fall apart. We never agree on anything.
“ Besides if we lose, we will become unpopular here in Mumbai. This is our bread and butter now. Can’t risk doing that.” The veteran paused. Clearly he was thinking. “ You know the country supported me as one only once.”
Malinga had a wide grin. Wider than his wide balls, “ I can answer that. They are our enemy too. When you whooped the Australians.” Harbajan looked at him with pity. This dumbo can only throw slingers. But he was his team mate and had to be mentored. So he patiently explained, “ No silly. When I slapped Sreesanth.”
Malinga was overwhelmed. Here was a leader. We had to win for him. He was chanting while going to his room, “ Yes we can. Yes we can.” But Malinga being Malinga couldn’t remember which pop singer sang that song.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Steve Jobs is an RSS agent
Dear Steve Jobs,
I am very depressed today. Honestly I am a very big fan of yours. In fact I cried only twice in life. Once when Michael Jackson died and second when you died. You were my hero.
But I came to know through very informed source that you are an RSS agent. My heart broke then. The name of that informed source is Honorable Digvijay Singh Ji. I am mentioning his name very respectfully because he is patrolling the internet these days and lodges an FIR against who ever he feels is using abusive language against him. It gives him enormous stress. Never mind his own language. He can call a swamy a thug. If things go out of hand he doesn’t hesitate to use his knuckles and knees. He can be a motor mouth really. But then he is Honorable Digvijay Singh.
Now you may wonder who is he and how did he find out about you. Well let me take back to your own country. After that dreadful 9/11, you remember the sniffer dogs you employed to find bombs. They are pretty smart dogs. My legs were shaking once when they came and sniffed my bag. Well this man is smarter. Here we use him instead to find out who is an RSS agent. And he is pretty good at it. His party is ridden with corruption. But he tries to pin all the blame on RSS. A good dog this one. I mean a good man. He does it very sincerely. In fact we are waiting for another startling disclosure from him. His honorable president recently went to USA for a surgery. Turns out that was the handiwork of some RSS goons. We are waiting for him to enlighten us.
He has other qualities too. He is the mentor of our crown prince. It couldn’t be for nothing. You see the prince holds a very important position in his party. Although he does nothing, they find ways to credit him for everything that goes right and find ways to cover up all his foolishness by apportioning the blame on someone else. And this honorable man is adept at it.
Another quality he has is he is a very secular man. He loves his muslim brothers. It doesn’t matter to him if they were terrorists. Well whoever said love is blind. So he calls the dreaded terrorist Osamaji . I do not know his views on another dreaded terrorist Kasabji. I guess we will have to wait for some elections to come. The fountain of love then simply overflows.
But coming back to you, why am I calling you an RSS agent. Well first of all my iphone crashed and I lost all my valuable data the day you died. I thought it was my tribute to you. Just like Nehru’s famous speech when Mahatma Gandhi died – The light has gone out. I thought all the iphones have gone. But no. it couldn’t have been anyone but an RSS agent. This was a conspiracy by your RSS.
Another point. Anna Hazare, that loathsome man, has given you the credit for his lokpal bill. He says that he saw the proceedings of the parliament on his ipad. Now my hero, the Honorable Digvijay Singhji has always claimed that there is a foreign hand actively trying to topple their clean government. People thought it is one of his usual rants. This horrible man Anna Hazare even suggested that he should be sent to a mental Hospital. But now he stands vindicated. Never mind the humongous corruption, never mind the inefficiency of his government, there is a foreign hand and that too, it is colluding with the most despicable RSS.
How could you my hero! Oh, how could you! Long live Digvijay Singh Ji.
I am very depressed today. Honestly I am a very big fan of yours. In fact I cried only twice in life. Once when Michael Jackson died and second when you died. You were my hero.
But I came to know through very informed source that you are an RSS agent. My heart broke then. The name of that informed source is Honorable Digvijay Singh Ji. I am mentioning his name very respectfully because he is patrolling the internet these days and lodges an FIR against who ever he feels is using abusive language against him. It gives him enormous stress. Never mind his own language. He can call a swamy a thug. If things go out of hand he doesn’t hesitate to use his knuckles and knees. He can be a motor mouth really. But then he is Honorable Digvijay Singh.
Now you may wonder who is he and how did he find out about you. Well let me take back to your own country. After that dreadful 9/11, you remember the sniffer dogs you employed to find bombs. They are pretty smart dogs. My legs were shaking once when they came and sniffed my bag. Well this man is smarter. Here we use him instead to find out who is an RSS agent. And he is pretty good at it. His party is ridden with corruption. But he tries to pin all the blame on RSS. A good dog this one. I mean a good man. He does it very sincerely. In fact we are waiting for another startling disclosure from him. His honorable president recently went to USA for a surgery. Turns out that was the handiwork of some RSS goons. We are waiting for him to enlighten us.
He has other qualities too. He is the mentor of our crown prince. It couldn’t be for nothing. You see the prince holds a very important position in his party. Although he does nothing, they find ways to credit him for everything that goes right and find ways to cover up all his foolishness by apportioning the blame on someone else. And this honorable man is adept at it.
Another quality he has is he is a very secular man. He loves his muslim brothers. It doesn’t matter to him if they were terrorists. Well whoever said love is blind. So he calls the dreaded terrorist Osamaji . I do not know his views on another dreaded terrorist Kasabji. I guess we will have to wait for some elections to come. The fountain of love then simply overflows.
But coming back to you, why am I calling you an RSS agent. Well first of all my iphone crashed and I lost all my valuable data the day you died. I thought it was my tribute to you. Just like Nehru’s famous speech when Mahatma Gandhi died – The light has gone out. I thought all the iphones have gone. But no. it couldn’t have been anyone but an RSS agent. This was a conspiracy by your RSS.
Another point. Anna Hazare, that loathsome man, has given you the credit for his lokpal bill. He says that he saw the proceedings of the parliament on his ipad. Now my hero, the Honorable Digvijay Singhji has always claimed that there is a foreign hand actively trying to topple their clean government. People thought it is one of his usual rants. This horrible man Anna Hazare even suggested that he should be sent to a mental Hospital. But now he stands vindicated. Never mind the humongous corruption, never mind the inefficiency of his government, there is a foreign hand and that too, it is colluding with the most despicable RSS.
How could you my hero! Oh, how could you! Long live Digvijay Singh Ji.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Sex and the City
The Dussehra came and went without a fuss. There was nothing much to celebrate. The Ravanas are still alive and kicking. We shall keep pretending that all is well. Anna Hazare will keep on threatening that he would go on a hunger strike for one reason or the other till people get bored of him. In the meantime the Ravanas in power will continue making money, those in Delhi will continue raping their women and those in Mumbai will continue throwing north Indians out of locals. Life will go on as usual.
My posts are fewer now. Almost like once a month. Been busy with completing my novel. Now wait eagerly for the literary agents to start rejecting! Rowlings was rejected some thing like forty times. So I still have a long way to go. Also there wasn’t much to write any way. Besides no one seems to be missing me. Ah Chetan Bhagat! I hate you. Your books are cheaper than my pizzas. I am losing not just my readers, but my customers too!
Being in Hyderabad has allowed me to catch up with whatever is happening on the TV. They Hyderabadis love their movies like they love their food- hot and spicy. Sadly, it is easier fighting in Kargil than going out and watching a movie. The Telangana war has brought out all the violence out of the movies and into the street. So TV is the safer option.
The Bigg Boss is back. It feels like the producer hired a porn writer, offered him some weed and a CD of ‘Snow white and the thirteen dwarfs’ ( OK. It was seven. Grant me the poetic license will you!) and ordered him to rehash. What we now have is a veritable soft porn of the basest kind. We have a eunuch, a snake charmer, the wife of a serial killer, a washed out Pooja Bedi who would surely dip the sales of Kamasutra Condoms which she had so steamily launched and a list of jaded out of work models and actresses. Shakti Kapur , the snow white does what he always did best. He can jarr your nerves. But still the peeping tom in me was kept glued. I wasn’t disappointed. God! Am I not cheap enough already?
Another show that caught my fancy is the one and only Rakhi Sawant’s show. It is quite refreshing. Contrast it with the plastic Simi Garewal. I have no hesitation in admitting that I am a big fan of her. She is plain guts! Nothing, not even a lack of talent, can come in her way. Her English can be as delightful as her personality. It took me a while to understand ‘small mammary’. For you ignoramus, She meant short memory!
But then, why single out her alone? The Hindustan times screamed a heading on Sep.28, 2011 ‘ Are we a nation of flashers!!” what is happening? Have we suddenly realized that we belong to the land of Khajuraho and Kamasutra? Or have we stopped using the dictionary because our staple read is Chetan Bhagat .
There was one show that was a definitely thumbs up. ‘The Masterchef Australia’. The participants are judged on their culinary skills by a team of very knowledgeable and polite judges. They have charm oozing out of every word they speak. The format is very tough and engrossing and there exists a very healthy rivalry among the participants. They are competitive but not mean. Interestingly, there is an Indian too. Kumar is surely kicking some ass. A must watch.
Finally, here’s the prologue of my Novel, ‘The Bare truth’. All kind of comments are welcome. Even the decent ones. To the abusive ones, I can dismiss them like the diva from that favorite news channel of mine. “ Trolls. They are plain jealous.”
“Dear Ajinkya,
I hate two things in life. Prologues and tragedies. My bad luck, I am scripting both. Ouch! Even we have to swear by our luck!
Perish the thought that your Lady Luck is some sixteen year old sexy nubile. I am seventy five, arthritic and to make it worse have Carpal tunnel syndrome. So I take the help of my sixteen year old grandson to type your fortune. He is bipolar, ugly and an inveterate homosexual. I am old fashioned and cannot fathom how homosexuals can be gay? So I still call them homosexuals. Coming to my grandson, he is going through a severe depression. So he is vengeful. But I had seen the glint in his eyes when he saw your turn. After all you were the only male today. I was furious and cursed, “ Go kiss his ass.” Sadly for you, even a guy like him finds you ugly. That made him crankier. And so he replaced the ‘ss’ in kiss to ‘ck’. That is how you find yourself in the Hospital with a bruised ass. Wish I could say ‘Good Luck’! But I am helpless. I can, however, offer you some advise. Go find the right doctor. See a brain surgeon!
Yours truly,
Lady Luck “
My posts are fewer now. Almost like once a month. Been busy with completing my novel. Now wait eagerly for the literary agents to start rejecting! Rowlings was rejected some thing like forty times. So I still have a long way to go. Also there wasn’t much to write any way. Besides no one seems to be missing me. Ah Chetan Bhagat! I hate you. Your books are cheaper than my pizzas. I am losing not just my readers, but my customers too!
Being in Hyderabad has allowed me to catch up with whatever is happening on the TV. They Hyderabadis love their movies like they love their food- hot and spicy. Sadly, it is easier fighting in Kargil than going out and watching a movie. The Telangana war has brought out all the violence out of the movies and into the street. So TV is the safer option.
The Bigg Boss is back. It feels like the producer hired a porn writer, offered him some weed and a CD of ‘Snow white and the thirteen dwarfs’ ( OK. It was seven. Grant me the poetic license will you!) and ordered him to rehash. What we now have is a veritable soft porn of the basest kind. We have a eunuch, a snake charmer, the wife of a serial killer, a washed out Pooja Bedi who would surely dip the sales of Kamasutra Condoms which she had so steamily launched and a list of jaded out of work models and actresses. Shakti Kapur , the snow white does what he always did best. He can jarr your nerves. But still the peeping tom in me was kept glued. I wasn’t disappointed. God! Am I not cheap enough already?
Another show that caught my fancy is the one and only Rakhi Sawant’s show. It is quite refreshing. Contrast it with the plastic Simi Garewal. I have no hesitation in admitting that I am a big fan of her. She is plain guts! Nothing, not even a lack of talent, can come in her way. Her English can be as delightful as her personality. It took me a while to understand ‘small mammary’. For you ignoramus, She meant short memory!
But then, why single out her alone? The Hindustan times screamed a heading on Sep.28, 2011 ‘ Are we a nation of flashers!!” what is happening? Have we suddenly realized that we belong to the land of Khajuraho and Kamasutra? Or have we stopped using the dictionary because our staple read is Chetan Bhagat .
There was one show that was a definitely thumbs up. ‘The Masterchef Australia’. The participants are judged on their culinary skills by a team of very knowledgeable and polite judges. They have charm oozing out of every word they speak. The format is very tough and engrossing and there exists a very healthy rivalry among the participants. They are competitive but not mean. Interestingly, there is an Indian too. Kumar is surely kicking some ass. A must watch.
Finally, here’s the prologue of my Novel, ‘The Bare truth’. All kind of comments are welcome. Even the decent ones. To the abusive ones, I can dismiss them like the diva from that favorite news channel of mine. “ Trolls. They are plain jealous.”
“Dear Ajinkya,
I hate two things in life. Prologues and tragedies. My bad luck, I am scripting both. Ouch! Even we have to swear by our luck!
Perish the thought that your Lady Luck is some sixteen year old sexy nubile. I am seventy five, arthritic and to make it worse have Carpal tunnel syndrome. So I take the help of my sixteen year old grandson to type your fortune. He is bipolar, ugly and an inveterate homosexual. I am old fashioned and cannot fathom how homosexuals can be gay? So I still call them homosexuals. Coming to my grandson, he is going through a severe depression. So he is vengeful. But I had seen the glint in his eyes when he saw your turn. After all you were the only male today. I was furious and cursed, “ Go kiss his ass.” Sadly for you, even a guy like him finds you ugly. That made him crankier. And so he replaced the ‘ss’ in kiss to ‘ck’. That is how you find yourself in the Hospital with a bruised ass. Wish I could say ‘Good Luck’! But I am helpless. I can, however, offer you some advise. Go find the right doctor. See a brain surgeon!
Yours truly,
Lady Luck “
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