Saturday, May 8, 2010

The empire strikes back.

The elections are just over in the UK and expectedly the UK Stock market crashed and expectedly the stocks of our politicians rose. It’s a hung parliament and all the three parties are looking for expert guidance and who but the veterans in India. All the three parties are having serious and confidential meetings. When they say confidential, they mean confidential in the UK. All that has changed now with many Indians having been elected. The leaks have started. I reached there before the BBC. BBC would like to know how to suck up, err manage. Now I may not be a big sucker like the NDTV but I am not stupid either. I protect my contacts.

India and the UK share a long history. we have common problems. They want to ,but can’t rid of their Queen, we cant get rid of our Raja.
With the coalition era, we will only come closer. But that could be the subject for another post.

Here are some excerpts from the meetings.

Meeting one. ( 10, Downing street ) : Gordon Brown is chairing. “ Ladies and gentlemen. Not a bad election. We should have been totally licked. But now we have a sneaking chance. All we need is some expert advise. If we had taken this advise before, we could have even avoided the expenditure scandal.” Its agreed the PM of India can help.
Here’s how his conversation with PM Singh went.

“ Hello Mr. PM. old boy. How are you mate? How are things your end.”

“ What can I say I am just an ordinary PM. Not a bigshot. Not a DMK or NCP minister. what can I do. No one tells me anything.”

“ come on. You surely has some talent managing such a huge coalition.”

“ You don’t know how it is to manage Indians. You are lucky to have all foreigners in your party.”

“ Pardon?”

“ British.”

“ But you will be glad to know that we have some Indians also now Mr. PM.”

“ Consider yourself sunk then. Lucky you have no Italians.”

“But you surely can give me some tips”

“ Share. Share your responsibilities. we share our responsibilities. Madam takes credit for all that goes right. And I get blamed for whatever that goes wrong. This way there is no overlap”

Gordon Brown was speechless. Only if Tony had been this clever. But Tony didn’t go to Oxford!

Meeting Two ( Nick Clegg’s residence). Heated discussion on whom to contact. They want the Operators ( euphemism for wheelers and dealers). After all THEY are the King makers. They got to extract their pound of flesh Some want to hire Laloo Prasad as a consultant. But Nick Clegg is adamant. “ Guys, his specialty is agriculture. Animal husbandry to be more precise. We need some Hi-Tec.operator.
How about contacting that ageing rockstar. The old man wearing sunglasses all the time. His protégé has some talent in the very contemporary telecom industry. Now the problem is how to contact them. They even speak English in Tamil.

One Indian MP suggested send a million pounds to him, his consultancy in advance. He will manage even without communication. How do you think he is managing the communications ministry. Smart people these Indians.

Meeting three ( David Cameron) : There is no debate there. There is a consensus. The conservatives are the BJP of UK. Getting power after 19 years. so it must be the king maker Chandra babu Naidu.

“ Hello Mr. Naidu. We need your advise. We think we are ready to form the government”

Mr. Naidu is agitated.

“ Don’t talk about Reddies. As if one Reddy wasn’t enough, now we have the Redddy brothers from the neighbouring state. Damn this clan should be banned from politics. I will assure the people of AP that this will the first reform I will do.”

“ but what do you advise us?”

“ Do what you guys are good at. Divide and rule. Separate Scotland and send Gordon Brown there. Your problem is solved. we are trying that in AP. Separating Telangana. But the only problem is I am not British. So like a typical Indian politician I support one day and oppose the other .”

Brilliant! Why didn’t we think of it before.


I have information, again from my confidential sources, that all the three parties have agreed on one point.

They have made Indians in charge of all the horse trading. They are born to do it.

Meanwhile all the Indian MPs are dreaming another dream within a dream.
“Some day I will become the PM of UK. Got to play my cards carefully.
Soon ……….. very soon………. .”

If Chandra Shekar could manage, Deve Gowda could manage , Why not me? after all I have only the British to contend with."

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