Slurp, Burp and be happy! Nothing is rude.

I was on the morning Kingfisher flight to Mumbai yesterday. Must admit that Kingfisher is reinventing the culinary offers on a flight and trying out new things in a very creative way taking care of the local tastes into consideration. Since we were leaving Hyderabad ,it was sambhar vada for breakfast.
The aroma of the delightful sambhar excited my fellow traveler, a garrulous and portly businessman from Chennai . “ I love to eat with my hand.” He said sheepishly. “ Somehow I don’t feel like I have eaten when I eat with fork and spoon.” I smiled. I have lived long in Hyderabad to understand that.
He enquired how I managed in USA. I assured him that even Americans eat fried chickens with their hands. It set me thinking about how some customs , considered rude in one country , could be proper etiquette in another country and vice versa.
Any American house wife would be delighted if you leave nothing on the plate but never make the mistake of polishing off your plate if you are in China. It is considered rude. It is like you don’t get enough to eat at home!
Never ask for Ketchup from a French chef. It means that you didn’t like his food. I did that once and got ketchup and a stare!
Slurping is indeed a poor etiquette right? Wrong if you are in Japan. You are only showing your appreciation. And don’t forget to burp if you are invited in a Inuit house in Canada.
I have enjoyed some of the finest Polish food in London. There was a good restaurant close to our office. There was nothing gourmet about it.The people from Poland are a hard working lot and love to eat a hearty and wholesome meal. But remember never to flip a baked fish while eating. They are very superstitious about it. it means that you may capsize the fisherman’s boat.
We were taught by a British teacher Mrs. Brown in the primary school. She laid a lot of emphasis on good manners and etiquette. We were told that if you are invited to someone’s house and if you even find a fly in your soup, you should rather gulp it rather than embarrassing the host! I remembered her when I was in Togo, a west African country and saw webbed feet of chicken floating in the soup. I chose to forget Mrs. Brown. Sorry Mam. I am much older than a third grader now.
and by the way,don’t wait for the evening if someone invites you for dinner in Scotland. You may get only get bones and crumbs. Yes, some Scots call their lunch as dinner.
My Bengali neighbor, true to his blue blooded Bengali blood, loved his fish. But he would never carry his raw fish in the right hand. That was totally inappropriate. Fish was always carried in the left hand while returning from the market!
My nephew is a great foodie and an expert on eating etiquette.
When there is chicken on his plate , he has two advises. Don’t try to share and don’t disturb while he’s enjoying!
I guess this would work in any part of the world.
By the way Indians would love to be in any Spanish bar. There it is not considered inappropriate to throw anything on the floor. They have a custom of cleaning everything in the end.
That leads to my maxim, “ Whatever be your quirks or idiosyncrasy, just hold the globe and turn it around. There would surely be some country some where in the world, which may just be right for you.”

I am Jealous of a nine year old. !!!!!!!!!!!!

I am jealous of Tanmay. Doesn’t matter that he is only a precocious nine old boy.

This is the reason why:

He leads a much more happy and wholesome life while I try to find the meaning of my life.
When I look at the rains, I am grumpy and worry about getting my clothes muddied. When he looks at the rain, he sees a holiday, hot pakoras and paper boats.
When I say I don’t have money , he grabs my wallet and checks it and smiles impishly that it is full. Full enough to buy him plenty of dairy milk and cheerios. He is happy with a wallet full of money I wouldn’t be happy with a bank full of money.
While I am just making a living, he dreams of a career. Never mind if it is a pilot, or an engine driver or a doctor depending on his mood.

While I play with him and fall down, the doctor warns me to be careful of my tennis elbow; which means no play. When he falls and breaks his shin, it heals in a day and he is ready to play and ready for another fall.
The politicians don’t depress him. He wants to become an MP so he can have fun in the parliament and throw chairs and flower pots.
The CWG bothers him too. Because his dad is watching the news making him lose precious time of watching Ben 10 and aliens or Hatori or chicken stew.
While I eat tasteless sprouts for breakfast, he orders noodles, aloo paranthas and thickly buttered toast.
While I see gloom, he sees happiness.

While I would be unhappy to lead a company of 300 employees , he is happy to be a bench leader even if it means minding just three boys including himself on his bench.
While I take a pen to write checks to pay my bills, he draws colorful pictures.
He still believes that Dr. Kalaam is the President of India because his book says so. I do not correct him because I wistfully wish he was right.
He confuses about the duties of the President and the PM. I Know he unwittingly is right. Both are rubber stamps.

He dreams of colors. I sleep dreamless with sleeping pills.
Green for him is emerald green of the lush green grass. I see green as in envy. The red for him is the sun rise. I am red with rage. Blue for him is the ocean. I am blue when I am sad.

He is tired of learning. I am tired of being wise. He is tired of being young. I am tired of being old.

Lets make a deal son.
Here are my car keys, my cheque books , my apartment and my adulthood.
Let me barter it for your youth, your cheerfulness and your innocence.

( Both the pictures have been drawn and colored by him.)

Pakistan, Porn and Diplomacy.

These days Pakistan has been in the news in a big way. None very complimentary.
A few days back an article had caught my attention. A study, it claimed, revealed that the country which does the maximum sex related searches on the net are Pakistanis. Not unexpectedly , it drew a lot of derision and comments from the readers.

I am neither surprised by the finding nor fazed by it. As I had remarked earlier, I get regular visitors from our neighbors reading posts with the word sex in it.
I have no problem with them. after all they are indulging in a pretty benign game than what their petty politicians are playing. At least their indulgence is not killing any one.

Right from the days of their ex president Musharraf to the now sillier Foreign Minister, all they have indulged in is petty one upmanship and sabotaging peace. In fact if I were to describe their politicians in one word I would call them uncouth. The behavior of FM Quereshi was totally abominable and much against the tenet of decency and diplomacy. No one behaves with his guest the way he did. Not many would agree but I felt that our Minister fortunately had the good sense of not retaliating and mudslinging. Very dignified. It wasn’t a sign of weakness but of good diplomatic sense. (Hillary Clinton rightly disapproved Quershi’s tone and tenor though she messed it up by bringing in the Kashmir tangle.)

But Mr. Krishna could have done well if he had registered his protest against the rather uncharitable comparison of the foreign secy by the Pakistani Minister.
A question does beg answering. Why were we in such a tearing hurry to visit Pakistan. Wouldn’t it be better if some homework is done by the backroom boys away from the annoying glare of our media.

It was a totally ill timed and ill conceived visit. Was it just a way of deflecting attention from all the domestic problems. Or are we giving too much importance to a pesky neighbor? Do we really achieve anything except mindless jingoism? Why waste time.

Pakistan is crumbling under the pressure of its own contradictions and no external influence can help. America can keep pumping billions of dollars but cant wean away the influence of ISI and Military on their civil government which thrives in having bad relations with India. instability suits them.

Their once strong and proud cricket team is now a sad caricature thanks to this motley crowd. When I was in Bangkok, I saw the Pakistani channel and it was shocking to see that apart from anti Indian jingoism, they didn’t have much else to offer. No soaps, no movies, no discussions about education, industrialization or development or health. I feel sorry for the Pakistanis. They deserve better.

I lived among Pakistanis in Manchester, UK for two years. I found them very friendly and extremely good neighbors. They rued the interference of Army in their country. Many have relatives in india and have a soft corner. The local video parlor, though Pakistani , carried more hindi movies than Pakistani. Even in Miami , I used to pick up my desi grocery from a very kind and friendly Pakistani store. He always regretted the hand dealt by the army.

Alas,the army is not in a hurry to loosen its hold.

That is why we must leave the Pakistanis alone till they are prepared. Whether they are the gun toting army or the porn watching commoners.

Its just not worth our time.

It was a Mad World cup!

This was a bizarre world cup where nothing went right.The reputations went for a toss, the seedings were meaningless, the balls were of poor quality, the referring bizarre and there was more off the field entertainment than on field. Just like our government.

I didn’t understand why did they present the golden boot to Thomas Mueller. England , France, Italy Brazil already had been booted royally. Perhaps England ‘s exit could be aptly described as the golden boot. The golden boot lost its meaning after that.

I was rooting for Spain for two reasons. One, I live in Miami where the Spanish population abounds. So the Hispanic connection did make me feel soft for them. But the major and larger reason was undoubtedly , and I am sure my hips don’t lie, Shakira. When Shakira shakes her derriere , she could make me root for even Nepal, if they were playing.

Yet she doesn’t get my vote for the entertainer of the cup. It undoubtedly goes to the one and the only Maradona. He’s what Shane warne is to cricket. God’s gift. Life can never be dull with these guys around. They have exceptional talent on the field and equally exceptional talent off the field to match. I specially enjoyed his spat with Pele and his comment, “ Pele should go back to museum.” Priceless. So was his comment to the press after Argentina won the qualifier. It was obscene. It was in poor taste. But it was a hit on the internet. Or maybe that’s the qualification for anything to become a hit on the net!

Maradona’s outburst has already become a sensation with Internet sites selling T-shirts emblazoned with the phrase “They can keep sucking it”.

Wish I could say the same to the Indian press. One man would definitely stand taller than me and agree whole heartedly. He calls himself Amitabh Bachchan.

This was the tournament of the mediocre. Even the final was a disappointer. Tender mercy that the better team won. Five yellow cards in the first thirty minutes! I thought that the dreaded yellow fever of the continent had hit these hapless players hard. But no worries. ALL EEEEEZ WELL.

So what would I like to take back from this cup?

The vuvuzela and paul the clairvoyant. Paul can go and sit in the NDTV and predict the polls. He has more chances than Prannoy roy to get it right.

Perhaps the vuvuzela can help wake up this somnolent government. Or will it?

Can you believe it when the whole world was awake watching the cup, this government was still sleeping! I have no hope.

I have a better idea than blowing them vuvuzelas. Throw them instead.
Maybe someone in the government will really be hit hard and wake up!

The world cup is over. Now lets wake up to our problems. Price rise, Fuel hike, non governance! our cup brimmeth over.!

Are We Indians Over sensitive about frivolous issues?

The monsoon has arrived with a bang. I too felt the bang and was down with fever for the last two days.

I had to avoid using my laptop to avoid straining my eyes. With nothing much to do I turned to the Idiot box to kill time. Just as I was surfing, a debate caught my attention.

There was a debate going on about an article in TIME magazine about American Indians.
(http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1999416,00.html). I was amazed to see the hyper and somewhat vitriolic comments. The panel was frothing at its mouth and branding it racism of the worst kind.

My thoughts went back to a couple of years back when they were showing a clip of a documentary made in India on the BPO business on CNN in the USA. In one of the call centers, the team leader was exhorting his trainees to be patient. He was giving them a formula suggesting that the mental age of a 35 year old American is less than that of a 10 year old Indian. ( not sure about the exact words but it was something to this effect). Imagine if the reverse had happened. We would have branded that nation anti Indian, racist an what not. But the newsreaders took it very sportingly and were smiling and making jokes about it and left it at that. I waited for someone to object. Nothing of that kind happened. The news deserved the respect it got. Now notice our response.

One agitated member of the panel ( I couldn’t get his name) suggested that half the amercians are poor and cant afford TIME and half of them are illiterates. The only people buying this magazine was Indians residing in New Jersey and the TIME magazine would do well to remember this. Perhaps he doesnt know about the demography of the indians working there.Most of them are software engineers who prefer reading it online rather than buying. Besides, lets stop being churlish. America is a big country and TIME is a big magazine.

If this wasn’t silly enough, the response of the moderator was sillier.

It left me wondering. We had problems concerning the spiraling price rise, there was a successful opposition sponsored bandh in which for the first time after a long time all the opposition came together, there were law and problems in J& K.

Here we were sitting and discussing a silly article. We can debate about it being in bad taste. But Racism! No way. It was just a spoof.

Are we really that frivolous and over sensitive of non issues?

Another instance that comes to mind is the shilpa shetty episode on Big Brother. It wasn’t as if Shilpa Shetty didn’t know what was in store for her. She did it for money. But journalists asking about this to the PM of UK was really silly. There were other serious issues like Immigration and its effect on Indians, about world economy, recession.

The third issue was stopping of Shahrukh Khan at the Newark airport by immigration officials. The response was incredible. It was as if it was a huge diplomatic row was commited. Racial profiling is nothing new. They have been attacked once. Besides, if they are careful about their country’s safety whats wrong? Again the actor had gone there not on the invitation of the country but to further his business. If he has a problem, he can stop visiting it in future which I doubt he will.

Surprisingly the response was much muted when a similar incident happened with the President of India, who in my opinion is truly an icon. We could have condemned it more vehemently but we didn’t care.

But President Kalaam being President Kalaam ,unlike the actor, downplayed it in his signature dignified way.

Even in the case of Greg Chappell, our response bordered on hysteria.

Instances are many. The question remains the same. Are Indians over sensitive about frivolous issues?

More sex please ! We are Indians !!

I have this friend from IIT who was one of the drivers in starting my blog. He has been giving me valuable inputs and had been instrumental in improving the aesthetics of the blog.

He is a brilliant statistician and now and then keeps quantifying and educating me about the readers response. He had this interesting piece of statistics.

The maximum response I get is either when I write about humor or sex. The next one is movies and then cricket. He asked me what did I infer? Well I am appalled!!!!!! Sex and humor? What am I supposed to infer? He cheekily advised write more about sex since you definitely have a poor sense of humor and your knowledge about movies is pathetic.

He did have a point. But I am no Prakash Kothari. Nor a dirty minded Khushwant Singh.

Also, he had this interesting piece. The guys visiting my blog from Pakistan invariably reached there by googling sex! wow!and I thought that i had a cross border appeal a la Sania Mirza!

In Togo, I once saw a lot of blue films selling on the street. My interpreter with a twinkle in his eyes told me that yes the kids buy them a lot. What! Kids! He looked at me strangely. “ yes. What would adults do with them. Sex is something you do. Not watch!”
I felt like I was in the august presence of a sex guru.

As a natural corollary I may add its something you do. Not read.

But the statistics cannot lie. Does it mean we have more sex between our ears than between our legs.? I don’t have the faintest clue.

Have you heard about Banta singh whose son came up with two sheets of paper and asked him, “ Dad, I want to know about sex.”

Banta Singh thought its high time I perform my paternal duty. Patiently, He brought a Barbie doll and a male toy and took two hours explaining as lucidly as he could.

The young boy scratched his head and asked, “ How do I write all that you explained. There are only two choices Male/ Female.” It was an application for summer hobbies workshop.

Won’t I end up being a muddle head like Banta Singh. I am lost.

My British friend is amused. “ Why are you surprised coming from the land of Kamasutra and a billion people.” Oh yeah loser. Cricket originated in your country and does it surprise you how well you play?

Wise cracks notwithstanding, I am still ignorant.

From the younger days of “ No sex please we are British” to my older days of “ More sex please we are Indians,” life has come a full circle for me.

The question remains. Is Sex a three lettered dirty word or the three lettered sure shot ( as the scholarly IITian puts it ,‘Hit’.

Any erudite help?

Corporate Memories- Narayan Murthy and ME!!

The pre monsoon showers flattered to deceive.Its hot as hell's kitchen here.My lima bean sized brain refuses to work.
In the last post, I was complimented more for a post written a year back.I am tempted to, therefore, reproduce another one. This was dated April 21, 2009.

****************************************************************************


I had a long and illustrious corporate career. You could bracket me right up there with the great Narayan Murthy.

We both were men of vision. While I don’t know his , mine was called long sightedness.

I use the past tense because Narayan Murthy is now the Ex CEO and I am also leading an almost retired life. I see myself as the Matthew Hayden of Corporate world. A great career abruptly cut short!

We were great motivational speakers( No not Mathew Hayden. He suffered from a large foot in a larger mouth syndrome. I am talking about Narayan Murthy)
We could motivate the listeners to aim higher heights.

Again I don’t know about him, but I remember when I once spoke, one of my juniors suddenly climbed right up the chimney. He claims he went to help a cat. But my detractors say it was my boring speech.
Jealousy is as old as civilization. We cant do anything about it.

And we both have great bank balances. I can walk through all the zeros with him.
And that would be almost a mile I am sure. Not bad you will agree. Even walking 80% of his balance is not a mean achievement.

Now what separates him and me? Well , two things. One the government has appreciated his contribution and awarded him the Padma Award. And two he wrote a book.

I will receive the padma award next year. The MP from the chambal ravines has it worked out. He is sure that UPA or NDA with 20 coalition partners and 12 outside support will still need one independent to form a government. The third fourth and fifth front will have the same predicament. Only the permutations and combinations will change. But he will be the tilt. No one can ignore him. So as he becomes the Defence Minister, I get my reward for loyalty to him.

In case you have wrong ideas about me, this dacoit was habilitated by the Arjun singh Government and now sells milk in our colony. We have been buying from him for the last 18 years.

So now what remains is that small thing of writing a book. And then I am in the same hall of fame.

My Book is ready for release.

Like all great writers, I release a few excerpts from my memoir before it is printed. It has various chapters providing an insight into my multifarious talent in handling various departments. This one is the heart of the business: Finance.


THE FINANCE WIZARD:

I was so involved with work that the boundaries of office and home diffused and there wasn’t much difference between office and domestic work which the colleagues did with equal enthusiasm. My eyes moist as I remember the delicious biryanis that my colleague cooked. Not for nothing was he awarded the best worker of the month.

We faced a lot of challenges during my turbulent years. But I was always there, the captain of the ship, an embodiment of corporate leadership.

There was this time when we had a difficult client who after a lot of threatenings and proddings gave us a cheque. The accountant took the cheque home promising to drop it in the bank on his way to the office the next day. We celebrated our great achievement. $40,000!!!!!!

Imagine the next day when we got a sheepish accountant with the remnants of the cheque which his dear son and his dearer dog used instead of the ball and now was only 1/10th of the original left the other 9/10th safely in the pet’s stomach I presume. Well you win some and lose some. Narayan Murthy will agree. What was important was the team work and the satisfaction of achieving the impossible.

Once I remember there was a cheque from another very difficult client lying on the table waiting to be deposited the next day. A junior brushed it aside as the customary beers and chicken nuggets arrived.

Now beer for a human body is like gas for a car. It triggers the right buttons and the human body can work with amazing speed.

And so one enthusiastic co-worker cleaned the table and threw the leftovers in the trash bag. The soiled envelope carrying the cheque also went with it. The other one with lightning speed went out and threw it in the dumpster.

When I remembered it the next day I phoned all my colleagues and we all rushed to the dumpster. It stood regally , in all it splendour a good 7 feet tall.
We had a hurried brain storming and we all agreed.
The decision was unanimous as usual. i ordered and they agreed. like the congress party.

I feel humbled.

KK was the tallest one. Unfortunately he was the heaviest too. He had to be lifted so he could reach inside the dumpster. I reminded all that we were team players and this was team work.

But trust me it isn’t easy to be gentle when you are dealing with some one that fat.

So this push became a mighty shove as 4 pair of enthusiastic hands gave his massive butt a propeller thrust. We screamed with delight as he plonked inside like a rocket on fire , his glasses flying and face into a pepperoni pizza , some one’s leftover dinner, and his hand clutching the ubiquitous cheque.

Team work can do wonders!

East met West and an ardent vegetarian got converted into an ardent non- vegetarian.

I look back with pride many such achievements. Space is short and the achievements many.

My steps may seem radical but they were effective.

That is what the leaders are supposed to do. Provide stellar leadership.

Like me and Narayan Murthy.

Amen!

( Three months after release : My book is next to ‘ what they don’t teach you at Harvard’ on the best sellers list)