An open letter to Rahul Gandhi

Dear Rahulji,
I am a great fan of yours. Whenever I look at you ( sadly which is rare! God, why can’t we have more elections), my heart flutters and a thousand cuckoos sing. I don’t honestly know whether the damn bird sings. But I started loving them after some silly reporter compared you with a cuckoo. Never mind she was sarcastic. Thank God your Italian is better than your English and it went over your pretty head. You smartly retorted , “ Do I look like a cuckoo !” we Congressmen, all cuckoos, applauded.
I wonder what took me so long to write to you. I have a great respect for entertainers and trust me you are right there at the top. You were like a uncut diamond. Then you found the perfect Guru. You know most of the comedians shine in pairs. History is replete with such examples. Abbot and Castello, Laurel and Hardy, Tom and Jerry. Now you two. Digjvijaya Singh cracks us whenever he opens his mouth. I think after Sholay’s Dialogues, no other dialogue has won so many admirers as his ‘ Blame it on RSS’ comments. Why ,RSS should seriously make him their brand ambassador!
But this is about you and not him. Thanks for providing us so many happy moments. Because of you , I now look forward to all the elections because that is the only time we get to see you. I can’t miss the entertainment you provide for anything in the world. Imagine you naughty boy. Tired of mommy’s bland pastas. Eating at the road sides, sneaking unannounced into some poor tribals hut and stealing their food. It must be fun isn’t it. But remember boy. Momma sent you on serious business.
You are a real chip of the old block aren’t you. Your father provided us with the same hilarious moments. Remember his famous, “ Hum jeetenge ya loosenge” or his mixing up the name of the cities where he was canvassing. He was a good man like you. Your father. May his soul rest in peace.
These days it is fashionable amongst us Congressmen to request you to become a PM. Don’t listen to those numbnuts. They are not really your admirers. After all what more will you get after becoming a PM. At least now you are like a Lotus ( Ouch. That must be some RSS conspiracy.) No blame sticks on you and no credit ever escapes you. (We congressmen are smart and know which side of the bread to be buttered. Sorry Rahulji. I am a dyed in wool congressman. You know our English. I am sitting with a book of Idiots which my Idiom son gave me. He is slapping his head. Dad You mixed the idiots and the idiom. Innocent boy. He doesnt know us politicians he he. We can babble for hours without making sense. What are a fewed mixed words! But my Italian is better ,trust me. )
‘ All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy’. So go play Jack. I mean Rahulji. Perish that thought of becoming PM. You can be away half the time of the year cooling your heels or whatever in UK or wherever , come once or twice a year, read some silly statements written by some lackey in Parliament ( They are terrible I may say; but your charisma carries them through ) and then again go on a vacation till the next election. Thanks to all that rest, You are always sparkling. We haven’t forgotten all those gimmicks. That ride in a local, hehe, booking the whole bogie ,fooling no one except that silly press. Remember the english media going gaga. Stupid English press. Honestly half the idiots join the english press. ( The remaining join the TV.) Don’t worry about them. They literally eat out of your hands.
You just don’t worry about the common man also. He is dumb too. That is how your family ruled so long. But you must be wary of only one person. She may destroy your Utopia. I worry for the day Lil Sis joins politics. Don’t get me wrong. She isnt smarter than you! Nah my prince. No way. But we live in a sexist world and sadly more than half of this world is made of testostrone driven youngsters. Just think what competition will your cute dimples give her.
So beware. Don’t say you haven’t been warned.
Finally Good Luck for UP my Prince. We are praying that you do better there than Bihar.
Inshallah you will ( Election time Prince. We want the Muslim votes don’t we. Wouldn’t hurt a little Urdu here.)
Khuda Hafiz.